Unpacking The Shadow Self
Each one of us a shadow self; and by this I mean a self that reflects our innermost worries, our shame, and our traumas (large and small). This is the self we pick apart in the mirror with the underlying fear that if we relax we’ll let ourselves become this darkness. This is the self that has made a home in unworthiness.
We can discover our shadow selves by pinpointing circumstances in which we’ve felt most ashamed. For example: when I was in the modeling industry years ago, my agent would call me to ensure that my measurements were small enough before every fitting and casting. If they weren’t, I would be told to only drink water for two days and would be scolded for eating anything other than vegetables. Even when I visited bigger agencies, I was told to be quiet...essentially that my thoughts might take away from my physical appeal.
Because of all the shame around my weight and personality, my shadow self is glutinous, annoying and lazy. The three aspects of self that I am most afraid of embodying.
The loops of shadow run still run through my brain quite often, but I have been able to ‘reprogram’ many of those self-limiting beliefs by revisiting those experiences, imagining my highest self guiding me and protecting me, and envisioning the best-case-scenario instead of the worst. “I am” affirmations can certainly be helpful, but they can only take root when we’ve already done the work to unpack those subconscious beliefs. Otherwise, we’re only treating the symptom vs. the cause. I have really benefited from Lacy Phillip’s program called ‘The Pathway 2.0’. It’s all about reprogramming our subconscious self-limiting beliefs through hypnosis, journaling, and understanding neuroscience.
Lacy has also coined the term Expanders which refers to people who have gone through similar experiences to you and have manifested the lifestyle you desire. Finding expanders really helps us to unblock our shadow selves because we are able to prove to ourselves that we are worthy of love, success, and a beautiful life. Basically, expanders help us see to believe.
It’s crazy to think about how much of societal programming has dictated who we’ve become. Think about all of the roles we’ve played out based on our sex/gender, race, financial or social status. The ego thrives on being put in a box! So much of shadow work is about ego-death and uncovering who we really are beneath all of the bullshit (for lack of a better term).
For example, I always identified my femininity with long hair. But as I worked through my subconscious programming, I realized that I only wanted long hair because that’s what I’ve seen in magazines and in the movies my whole life. In reality, I actually want to have boy-short hair! I can’t stand having my hair in my face and it’s always up in a bun anyway.
The most healing part of shadow work is the integration with our highest selves (us at our most pure, most loved, most abundant). With integration comes deep forgiveness and unconditional acceptance for everything we’ve gone through.
Visualization: Imagine your highest self. How are you feeling? What are you wearing? What environment are you in? Now, imagine your shadow self… the version of you that scares you the most. The ugliest, lowest, dirtiest version of you. Then, imagine your highest self rescuing your shadow self. Lifting her/him off the floor, cradling her, telling her how much you love her, bathing her, tucking her in for a nap. Call forth the deep compassion you have for your shadow because you know she was born whole and perfect but life gets hard sometimes.
Shadow work is a beautiful commitment - an everyday ritual of uncovering trigger points and loving yourself through them. I’ll share with you some tools that have helped me along the way when these triggers come up because it takes time to rewire these neural pathways that have been rooted in shame for so long.
EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique / Tapping, EFT helps us look at the trigger straight on, address the root cause, and work through it to end up at a ‘best case scenario’.
Gratitude journaling - gratitude is a frequency even higher than joy. Isn’t that crazy? The more we can be in this state, the better we’ll feel. Gratitude journaling proves to us that life if a gift and this journey is a blessing. Furthermore, when we write down what we’re grateful for with a pen and paper, it sinks into our subconscious mind more deeply.
Breathwork - Our cells carry memories. Memories that are not only ours but ancestral as well. When we engage in breathwork, we’ll notice that shadow comes up because we are literally blasting our cells with oxygen, prompting them to expand and release their DNA/memories. Exercise helps with this too!
Mirror work - Stand in front of the mirror every morning, look into your eyes, and say ‘I love you’. Say it until you feel it. Point out the features you love, and the accomplishments you are most proud of from the days and weeks before, and decide to have an amazing day.
Finally, when we learn to forgive ourselves and love our shadows, we become more compassionate individuals all around. We come to realize that every human being deserves love and that we are all doing the best we can with what we know. I’m reminded of this phrase: “Judgement is assuming the worst in people”. So, let’s stop judging ourselves and our neighbors and instead root in a place of understanding and compassion. Look for the best in people, and nurture their joy.
Happy shadow hunting! Or, I should say shadow loving. Sending you so much healing and so many blessings.
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